


I heard them calling in the distance

by SkaterGirlFC



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, post c2 e101
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:29:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25302367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkaterGirlFC/pseuds/SkaterGirlFC
Summary: Essek teleports onto the Ball-Eater while the Mighty Nein is on Rumblecup, delivers cupcakes, and has some introspective thoughts.
Relationships: Stuff is just talked about, The Mighty Nein & Essek Thelyss, no interactions - Relationship
Comments: 5
Kudos: 31





	I heard them calling in the distance

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE NOTE I DO NOT WRITE MUCH, LIKE AT ALL.  
> This is actually one of the few things I've finished, any feedback will be appreciated! I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Title from "Mountain Sound" by Of Monsters and Men

More recently Da’leth had been messaging Essek, instead of the other way around. Essek used to message him to inquire about the state of the research on the beacons. Once it actually looked like the end of the war was in sight, he became more insistent in these messages. Da’leth's messages had only started after their conversation before the peace talks. Some were inquiries about the Dynasty’s state, others were inquiries about...him.

Since Essek gave over the beacons for research 3 years ago he had been regularly messaging them on the state of the research. In the beginning, each message got him new information, as much as you could in 25 words or less. Then after a while, he started receiving less and less information. He had reasoned that the minds at the Cerberus Assembly had reached somewhat of a blockade, similar to him. That's what he told himself, day after day of receiving vague responses. Then they stopped responding. 

When you receive a sending message, you have to make a conscious choice to keep silent and hear the message out. It's quite rude to not respond to one, at least in the Dynasty. Essek isn't sure why it would be different in the Empire. Eventually, Essek stopped sending messages.

The world went on, and sometimes, if he was lucky, he would forget that he ever even stole the beacons. He wished he had such a luxury now. Now it's all he can do is think about it. How he betrayed the trust of the only people he has ever come to care about, in 120 years of living. How they are on an island with gods knows what and he is below deck, standing like a fool, holding 2 boxes of cupcakes. 

“They clearly aren't here, not even the crew,” He says out loud to himself. Essek has gotten into a habit of talking to himself. Maybe because he was so lonely for so long. “Stupid,” he said absentmindedly, and took a look at the boxes in his hand. There was no place in sight to set them down, and he had no idea which room was Jester's. He chose a room at random and set the boxes down on the bed, side by side so they weren't crushing each other anymore. 

He looked around the empty room, and then the empty deck of the ship he was on. He didn't dare go above deck, it was day and even here he could see light pouring through the cracks in the wooden boards. Even here he could feel the intense sting of the sun. But a look around wouldn't hurt, right? If not to see if anyone else was there, then to explore. He didn't want to admit it, but he also didn't want to head back to Rhosona right away. 

He looked at the gun deck, with several cannons lined up on either wall. There were still no people here. “Why are you wandering around their ship, you fool? If they find you they will most certainly suspect you were up to something. And even if they don't, which they will, they would ask why? How would you answer? How could you answer?” Essek asks himself. He, of course, has no answer. He has no justification for it or most anything he’s doing these days. At least no justification of importance or meaning or truth. 

Essek wishes he could stop floating. To let his guard down on this empty ship with only the echoes of ghosts of his friends. He can't bring himself to, and as he looks at the cannons he see a small reflection of himself in one. He looks at it for too long, seeing circles under his eyes that grow larger and darker with each night he chooses to work instead of trance. He sees how his makeup is starting to fail to cover it. He sees there is acne under the swoop of his hair and pulls his hair down, even more, to cover it more. He has never been so tired, and not just from not trancing for the past 2 days. He is tired of being affected so deeply by what the Mighty Nein has done to him. He doesn't know if he feels guilt or shame or remorse over what he has done yet, but as he forces himself to look away from the reflection there is something gnawing at him from the inside. Maybe it's the situation he's in, or maybe it's the dread of the silence from Da’leaths end and what it could mean. He wants to protect them so badly, maybe its this new feeling that's eating him from the inside out. What would you call it?

Love, of course, but he could never say it, or think it. Or admit that the Mighty Mein had shown him the meaning of love and he could never repay it.

“This is pointless, they could return any moment now,” Essek says as he floats down the stairs and onto the second deck. This one was more storage and, strangely, fewer beds than the gun deck. There weren't many personal belongings here. Seems like everything of that manor was taken with them. 

“Why are you doing this? Why are you like this?” Essek said and groaned, holding his face in his hands. “Just teleport home, get your work done. You will see them soon enough, you don't need to wait here like a lost puppy or a child for them to return. You would only leave as soon as they do, so leave before it's too late.” He pictures his mother's face if she found out what he was up to. Or worse, why. It's a terrifying thought, and he doesn't know if her displeasure scares him or makes him want to stay to spite her.

As he's staring into space, lost in thought, a tingling at the back of his neck snaps him back to reality.

“I can tell, you've gone soft. It's them, the Nein, isn't it? I don't blame you, they are charming. Remember to keep your bearings, though.” the Martenents voice in the back of his head came through. For a moment Essek thought about not responding. He really wanted to be silent, but the words and the manner they were spoken in and the fact it was  _ him _ ?

“They are charming, you say? I did not know you knew them so well. And I do have my bearings, what makes you think otherwise?” Essek said sternly. He regained his composure and ever straightened his posture, even though Ludinus probably couldn't see it. Probably.

He hears Da’leths respond a moment later with “I have met with them on occasion. You just seemed so off-put by them. But it doesn't matter, you won't ever act on it.” Sharp words that cut through essek and he feels so seen. He falters, caught off guard, eyes wide before he tries to regain composure. 

“You aren't saying anything I don’t already know.” Essek says, looking down, “Get to the point” as he ends the message early.

“Right to it hm? If you are too busy right now, message me another time with a safe location and time to make the exchange.” Da’leth says with a new cold and hardness to his voice. 

Essek responds with an all too quick “I am busy, I will message later” before breathing in the silence as the message runs out. Even after that one conversation essek feels exhausted and floats over to a bed and sits on it. Sinking down he takes deep breaths and thinks about what Ludinus had told him. 

“They know, they know more than I want them to. They are gonna use the Nein against me. I just know it. I can’t stick around, I can't message back later but I have to. I have to...but if I do I lose what little I have left.” Essek says in despair. “I can’t protect them from the assembly, I can’t even work up the courage to go onto that island I saw and look for them. He was right, I’ll never act. On them, on him..” he says looking at the ground.

“And dammit why am I crying!?” He yells into the open air as tears start to fall down his face, ruining his makeup, though his makeup was the last thing on his mind. “Why am I crying? Why..why am I on a ship alone with nothing? Why did I bring her cupcakes so late? I have no idea when they’ll be back? And why can’t I just get over Caleb!” He yells

Essek has never said any of this out loud before, and as the tears stream down his face he trails off to messy internal thoughts and whispers. Barely audible through the sniffles and choking of the crying he whispers “Why did he have do be so kind? Why did any of them be so kind to me?” As essek breaks down with everything he's been holding in, once again, below the deck of the Ball-Eater. 

~o0o~

After many deep breaths and many times pacing and a lot of water drunken and thrown into his face, Essek felt better. He takes a deep breath after splashing water into his face for the 5th time and looks up.

“I think I’ll try to do something. To act on it. To try and change and be better. And maybe even join them on one of their adventures.” He says, and the thought gives him a smile. Essek is nervous, maybe out of his mind. Maybe it's because of the lack of rest. 

“I should get back, but...” Essek looks at one of the beds on the floor and is reminded of how tired he is. “If I just trance here it’ll be fine. Even if they find me, they won't mind” He reasons and lays in bed. 

Essek doesn't trance that day, instead, he sleeps, long and deep, and the best he’s had in years. 

**Author's Note:**

> Not included: M9 getting back on the ship and finding two boxes of cupcakes on one of the beds (and maybe a sleeping Essek who knows)


End file.
